Upon waking this morning at 10am (having had nearly nine hours sleep) I felt like I hadn't slept at all. Maybe it has something to do with the antidepressants my doctor prescribed me due to my emotional outbursts in her office. God I must have seemed like a basket case. I also seem to have developed a slight tremor in my hands and I think my neck, but it's hard to tell by looking in the mirror. It did say I might get those on the warning, but the warning also says I might develop anorexia, suicidal thoughts, aggressiveness, hallucinations, asthma, diabetes and kidney stones. Something to look forward to at least. Maybe I'll record my head with my webcam and see how it moves. Maybe I won't.
So a letter from the hopital confirming my appointment with a Dr Linda Parsons on Monday evening along with a deep sleep CD I ordered ages ago was waiting for me once I got up. A little late considering I've been sleeping really well lately. My appointment can't come soon enough. I woke up in the night last night and it seemed my entire left arm had gone to sleep. I'd understand if I was sleeping on it, but I wasn't. My right hand was numb the night before and my little finger the night before that. When I move, blood does rush back, but it's still off putting and an unwelcome reminder that I'm not my usual self. Seeing my regular doctor tomorrow as well, I'm not ready to go back to work on Monday, but brain is still mush, I hope she signs me off for another week. I think I may just ask -- I know that if I go on Monday I'll just stress myself out and fail so much at it. It will do more harm than good. Not that I want to shy away from work, far from it, I'd want nothing more than to go back and nail it! I just have to be sure. I need to see the neurologist before I consider going back.
I promised myself I'd get a hair cut today, but I really don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything now. Oh come on Carl! Get it together. What can really have changed in you this much? Yesterday I felt a slight sliver of my own thought patterns returning, I loved it, but it didn't last. When I watch TV now, whenever the camera pans or zooms or moves fast, I feel a bit off and sick. Like I'm sliding with the motion. And that never happened before. Not sure what that could be. As long as it's not a brain tumour, I'll deal. Oh god it could be. Argh! You must stop this! Stop thinking the worst. I'm going to make an appointment with the hairdressers for tomorrow, I'm going to shower and sort myself out. I'm totally fine.
03 January 2008
02 January 2008
So it begins...
A little introduction: My name's Carl, I am 22 years old and live in a lovely town near London in the UK. Life has been a little bit of a struggle, but no harder than I would expect and I learnt to roll with the punches, as you do. That is up until around four weeks ago, when I started to show some neurological problems that have not resolved, and all my old terrible problems have somewhat dwindled in my eyes. I feel like I've changed more in the last month that I have in the last five years, and what's ironic is I feel almost cleansed of my old self. This is a new start, that's for sure, and I have no choice but to embrace the change. So writing about it seems like a logical step.
For some reason, I'm quite sure I have Multiple Sclerosis. This has yet to be confirmed and I'm seeing a lovely brain doctor in a few days to discuss my symptoms and have the appropriate tests. A casual reader will think that I almost want to have the disease by assuming I do -- of course I don't. Others may think me a hypochondriac. (I know my family do.) That isn't the case either. Something quite profound happened to me during the first few days of all this, different to my symptoms, something that I know changed me. I dreamt the most vivid and real lucid dreams I have ever experienced. Fanastical dreams; incredible landscapes, unsurpassed control, complete freedom, and when I awoke the knowledge of my mind being separated from my body was so tangible I knew I was never supposed to experience such a thing. I knew then my life as I knew it was changed forever.
I have since suffered from an awful sort of brain fog. I'm not as sharp as I was. I'm not dumber, I'm just slower. I can't concentrate as well, I feel muted, before I would be planning sentences in advance, now I can barely get the current one out right without thinking about it. This mind problem is perhaps the hardest to accept as potentially being permanent, so I won't think about that. Not my mind! My mind never let me down before even when I was stoned off my face. I now make loads of typos, and I don't make typos. My right hand has developed a habit of getting tight and trying to close by itself. My hands have also lost some feeling in between the numbness and pins and needles, even though my doctor debates it. My sex drive is pretty much gone. My legs have thankfully stopped tingling now, but they are tight as anything. It's like a workout without the workout (Hey maybe I could market that, get toned for free!) Walking is currently quite funny, it feels like I'm walking on ice as my muscles are so tight. My left leg hurts in the night. The vertigo has calmed down since the first few days, no more skating around on my bed, but my motion perception is still off. Not forgetting the floaters in my vision, and the sparks I sometimes see. And, rather nicely, my bowels have gone on strike.
All this in just four weeks has me seriously concerned, but I'm trying to be calm about it. No point crying, I did that the first two weeks. I just need to know now exactly what's up with me. I'm preparing for MS, but it could be anything, no? Whatever it is, I've caught it early I think. It's the uncertainty that I hate, and the fact I'm still not feeling like myself. My doctor thinks I'm anxious and seriously depressed, but I'm sorry, I just can't believe that this can happen in the space of four weeks, when I was fine before. I was happy. I was just sorting my shtuff out. Part of me thinks my doctor suspects but just wanted me to get on with it for a bit longer, have a few more years before it rears its head again, but that's probably just my overactive imagination. Either way I've been referred. I'll keep you updated, my new blog, my anonymous mate. Researching MS is the only thing I seem to want to do, and have been doing quite obsessively. It must be part of how I'm dealing with this. I've nobody to talk to about it really, without being told to stop being silly, to think positively. I do think positively, but I can't ignore this feeling in my gut. Some of the people I've read about, and seen on YouTube, are so brave. I want to help with autoimmune disorders, even if it turns out I don't have one -- if anything good can come out of the hell I've been through recently, is another volunteer for such causes firmly signed up for life.
For some reason, I'm quite sure I have Multiple Sclerosis. This has yet to be confirmed and I'm seeing a lovely brain doctor in a few days to discuss my symptoms and have the appropriate tests. A casual reader will think that I almost want to have the disease by assuming I do -- of course I don't. Others may think me a hypochondriac. (I know my family do.) That isn't the case either. Something quite profound happened to me during the first few days of all this, different to my symptoms, something that I know changed me. I dreamt the most vivid and real lucid dreams I have ever experienced. Fanastical dreams; incredible landscapes, unsurpassed control, complete freedom, and when I awoke the knowledge of my mind being separated from my body was so tangible I knew I was never supposed to experience such a thing. I knew then my life as I knew it was changed forever.
I have since suffered from an awful sort of brain fog. I'm not as sharp as I was. I'm not dumber, I'm just slower. I can't concentrate as well, I feel muted, before I would be planning sentences in advance, now I can barely get the current one out right without thinking about it. This mind problem is perhaps the hardest to accept as potentially being permanent, so I won't think about that. Not my mind! My mind never let me down before even when I was stoned off my face. I now make loads of typos, and I don't make typos. My right hand has developed a habit of getting tight and trying to close by itself. My hands have also lost some feeling in between the numbness and pins and needles, even though my doctor debates it. My sex drive is pretty much gone. My legs have thankfully stopped tingling now, but they are tight as anything. It's like a workout without the workout (Hey maybe I could market that, get toned for free!) Walking is currently quite funny, it feels like I'm walking on ice as my muscles are so tight. My left leg hurts in the night. The vertigo has calmed down since the first few days, no more skating around on my bed, but my motion perception is still off. Not forgetting the floaters in my vision, and the sparks I sometimes see. And, rather nicely, my bowels have gone on strike.
All this in just four weeks has me seriously concerned, but I'm trying to be calm about it. No point crying, I did that the first two weeks. I just need to know now exactly what's up with me. I'm preparing for MS, but it could be anything, no? Whatever it is, I've caught it early I think. It's the uncertainty that I hate, and the fact I'm still not feeling like myself. My doctor thinks I'm anxious and seriously depressed, but I'm sorry, I just can't believe that this can happen in the space of four weeks, when I was fine before. I was happy. I was just sorting my shtuff out. Part of me thinks my doctor suspects but just wanted me to get on with it for a bit longer, have a few more years before it rears its head again, but that's probably just my overactive imagination. Either way I've been referred. I'll keep you updated, my new blog, my anonymous mate. Researching MS is the only thing I seem to want to do, and have been doing quite obsessively. It must be part of how I'm dealing with this. I've nobody to talk to about it really, without being told to stop being silly, to think positively. I do think positively, but I can't ignore this feeling in my gut. Some of the people I've read about, and seen on YouTube, are so brave. I want to help with autoimmune disorders, even if it turns out I don't have one -- if anything good can come out of the hell I've been through recently, is another volunteer for such causes firmly signed up for life.
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